Expression – Carrie Lee Ferguson

I remember the ache. I remember how it badgered me one morning at the breakfast table, the song from Sesame Street popping up in my head: Which one of these things is different? Which one of these things just doesn’t belong?

homemade banana pancakes

vermont maple syrup

the ache

a sweet family eating breakfast together

It was the ache. It should not have been there. I remember feeling like a royal criminal for being incapable of adoring this beautiful, still-frame moment in which I had everything I could ask for. What was wrong with me? Why was there an ache, a dullness inside of me?

I’m certain that if I had not had the support from a community of wise women around me, and the fortunate ability to create consistent downtime in my week, I would have been one out of the every four women in America on psychiatric medication. In a recent New York Times article, Medicating Women’s Feelings, author and psychiatrist, Julie Holland explains how this medicated normal is at odds with women’s biology. I hope you’ll click on the link, along with this follow up from my friend who shares what anti-anxiety pills did for her (got her through severe panic attacks), and what they did not do for her (change her life). Neither article is shaming, but rather a reframing.

So, we’re chucking perfect together and continuing this conversation. We can shift perspectives on how we feel, whether you are a mom or a dad feeling anxious around the pressures of work and money, of getting the children fed and the laundry done…whatever the feeling, we need new guiding questions, a new way to understand something that effects us all.

What is wrong with me? is the wrong question. Holland says that brain and body chemicals are meant to be in flux. Accepting our gloomy moods as a natural part of our biology is a big first step, and it opens up all sorts of possibilities:

What if these were normal states that don’t need to be fixed?

What if these states were actually very fertile and can catalyze positive change?

What if it’s worsened by trying to comprehend, control and resist natural feelings?

And an even bigger question-

What if our low states were a part of the creative process?

And an even bigger question still-

What if by trusting these states of being, we allow something creative to come through?

And bigger still-

What if it is in this deep acceptance of our natural rhythms (and life’s) that we harness our true potential?

Because we allow the creative process to work through us.

Because what if it’s more a question of expression, not depression?

And what if the world is waiting for our unique expression?

What if?

Maybe the future’s not stark,

maybe in the dark

there’s nothing wrong

maybe a new kind of strong

is incubating, updating, resonating

Maybe

we are mutating

(Read the full poem here).

What if?

What do you think? Could your low state be telling you something new wants to express itself? Can you trust it? If you need support with medication, can it serve as a bridge to bring you back to your rhythm?

I encourage you to contribute your thoughts in the comments below.

If you’re a mom (local to Jacksonville) in need of downtime to connect with yourself, please consider joining us for Deep Relaxation & Connection.

Fate. Providence. The Universe Conspiring. The Impulse of Evolution. The Journey of the Soul. It doesn’t matter to me what you call it. All I know is that a couple years ago, my journey toward some unknown destiny began. It looked, back then, as if I were coming apart. And I guess you could say I was- I was in pieces, my head reasoning I must be crazy- how could I possibly want more, my life so quaint and all? And in my heart knowing something different, as though it’d been coded with potentials my mind couldn’t grasp. I’d just recently learned that lesson through the birth of my daughter in which my capacities blew my own mind! What if there were other capacities lying dormant at the depths of my soul?

This drive, this motivation to expand and to evolve became activated, in me and as me. There have been highs and lows, but all of it has been an opportunity toward something that wants to be expressed.

And today, on Mother’s Day, my passion for what is possible overflows. I’d like for you all to be witnesses to the birth of this something new. I’d like for you to be there as I create and learn as I go; I’d like for us, together, to see how creative ideas and solutions emerge, to allow the heart to guide us.

This is what I am doing- I am planning a gathering of women in my community. At this gathering, I will show the film No Woman, No Cry, a documentary by Christy Turlington Burns highlighting the stories of pregnant women at risk of becoming a mortality statistic, and raising awareness of global maternal health. This gathering will be like the forming of allies, a gathering to awaken in one another our desires to contribute and connect in a deep way. This group of women will then sponsor a sister village in which we learn from one another, communicate and encourage, provide funds for midwifery training, for educational clinics, for empowerment groups, transport, for whatever the greatest needs in ensuring healthy moms and babies.

It’s no coincidence that I’m writing this on Mother’s Day- a day to honor all mothers, a day in which I’m choosing to put this out there, scary as it is, in one small step toward doing something for mothers everywhere. It’s also no coincidence that the very day this idea conceived, I received an email from a woman in India, who works with pregnant women who face many barriers to safe deliveries. We will see where this leads, and how we might be able to help. No. It’s no coincidence. It’s Fate. It’s Providence. It’s the Universe Conspiring. It’s the Impulse of Evolution. It’s the Journey of my Soul.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

PS- please send me a message if you live in the Jacksonville area and want to be involved in our gathering.